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Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide. 
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.
CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.
Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.
if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.
Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"
If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
If God loves us why do we have ear hair
Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche? 