Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date. 
Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.
He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"
Double negatives are a no-no.
If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.
Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.
Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort
We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think
A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.
After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.
Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'
How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?
The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough. 