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Which wines pair best with gloating? 
If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.
I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.
I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job
*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.
What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?
interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?
*At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.
Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs. 