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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.” 
Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.
CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.
Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.
if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.
Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.
I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss
BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back
There are two points about prisoners being on death row vs the rest of us. 1. We're all on death row. 2. They get to choose what they eat before it happens. 