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Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it. 
I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.
My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.
odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...
CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?
Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.
I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead
ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.
Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.
Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.
Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"
If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
If God loves us why do we have ear hair
Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass
I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout. 