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Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep. 
Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.
Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.
After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity
With great power comes a great Electricity bill
When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.
You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature
Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.
I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.
My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'
My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.
After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.
Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'
How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean? 