Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything

   has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!

   a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   The media is a weapon of mass destruction....

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.