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Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you. 
Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!
put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??
such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!
a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.
I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.
wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..
Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.
The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer. 