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Nobel Prizes are not for what you are "trying" to do, they are for what you have actually achieved. I nominate myself for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for my "efforts" in finding a cure for hangovers. 
How the h ell did Jesus find guys names John.,James, Matthew. Paul and Andrew, Thomas, and Philip in the middle East?
Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?
wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?
Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.
loves animals...especially in gravy
Funny how countries trash talk the United States but always beg for our help when they are getting their ass whooped.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to f*ck cuz its not my time of month"
I just heard that the Facebook network is currently down, but this does not affect you as nothing would go down on you...
"What the hell is this?" - Dracula watching Twilight
I wonder how long it takes a girrafe to vomit!
I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.
You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table.....
The song London Bridge Is Falling Down now makes sense!!
Do I really have to explain why I love you? Okay fine. I love you because you give good head.
I have sexdaily. Oops, I mean sexilady...no, sexydial...uh isexlady...no, I really mean sexyladi...um ladiesxy? Dyslexia - there that's it!
It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.
Who died and made Pelosi king?
Anybody wanna go halfsies on a prostitute?
Lincoln may be doing well in the theatre today, but that wasn't always the case. 