Funny Status Messages

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??

   Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.