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Hospital walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any church 
I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.
Let's face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.
When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"
i made a starteling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans
There are no winners when you're arguing to someone about Politics.
I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...
We are around 7 billion and we have differences but can we at least agree that a person found guilty in rape deserves the death sentence?
I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be
This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy walk into a bar. They have a great time, they're friends. It's 2014 you racist punks
Attention to all the mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house, please form a line......its what she would've wanted.
Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
His haters would rather see people die than ever let him have a victory or give him any credit.
can not think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag
Most Good People Say: Forgive & Forget, But 9/11 Is Not One Of Those Days That Is Possible...
I hate being bipolar... It's awsome! 