Funny Status Messages

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.

   I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"