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There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription. 
Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.
Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry
I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..
That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks
On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!
i'd be scared if a 400lb glass of koolaid came bursting into my house......
I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.
At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one. 