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The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get! 
I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
"We used all our brainwashing techniques and we still lost" - US Media
It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.
There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.
Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.
Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Watching wealthy politicians who live lavish lifestyles talk about "the plight of the poor" leaves one cold.... and angry
I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.
FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.
Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...
Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.
thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..
That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment. 