Funny Status Messages

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.

   I hate it when I get pissed, SLAM the door, storm out of the house.. then realize I have to go back in for my car keys..

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.

   Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine