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The existence of flamethrowers proves that someone once said, “I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough.” 
Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.
They need to hurry the f**k up and make these damn robots! I'm not gonna live forever you know!
They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.
Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.
Harold Camping is selling his "Magic 8-ball", anybody interested?
Heard that you should carry whiskey with you in case of snakebite. In related news: I just bought a snake.
If at first you do succeed, try something harder
"The biggest mistake you can make is being afraid to make one" (",)
I have curves and i'm not afraid to use them.!!!
Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.
Workin' hard or hardly saying anything original?
Death smiles at us all, all you can do is smile back.
If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying
You are accusing me of talking about you behind your back? I am sorry; it's just that your a$$ and your face look the same to me.
I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!
Don't you hate it when you're right, but you're the only person in the room that knows it, so as far as everyone is concerned, you're just wrong.
the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook!!!
Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy. The 1st is to take her shopping.. The rest is 69.. 