aaron Funny Status Messages

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   I listened patiently for you to make a noise but you never did. Reluctantly I had to admit you were right, it was a bottomless pit.

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.

   I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done