Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...