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Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons! 
they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf
.My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.
sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant
remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.
So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.
Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?
Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.
Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.
Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .
I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.
Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........
Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July
What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor
When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.
Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood
I was dropped when I was little, into a pool of sexy.
Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me. 