Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut 
I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.
Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.
had his left side removed. He's all right now
The black iPhone is better at stealing WiFi.
Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address
drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.
Some people are still alive today only because it's against the law to kill them
I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"
Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.
Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.
Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.
to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!
The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."
I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.
I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.
NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator
My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."
"I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*
If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong... 