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Why is it that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting roofied? You want to tell them “relax, you can take the coaster off your drink, there's at least three of us in line before you.” 
Being in LOVE is like Being DRUNK. No control over what you do.
Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs"
I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.
It's all fun and games until you know there's candy involved... then it gets SERIOUS! :)
People who say you "tweet too much" need to take their asses back to MYSPACE cause you won't be seeing anything "too much".
The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else.
Why do I knowingly pick the bad choices in life. I know I'm going to pay for it in the end but it sure looks like its going to be fun in the mean time
So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?
Never say “that won't happen to me!”, because life has a funny way of proving us wrong.
Casey Anthony has been seen in a WHITE FORD BRONCO driving away from the COURTHOUSE. Unconfirmed reports state Al Cowligs is driving.....
The sad part about this whole Casey Anthony ordeal is that she will probably have her own TV show.. and write a book that half of the americans will buy... its sad.
wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.
Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.
To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!
Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example
You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops
Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :) 