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If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive. 
The reviews are in... And Yes, I am awesome
Go french kiss a power outlet.
A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.
My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''
Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.
JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."
Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.
Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.
Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?
Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.
Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.
If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.
Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...
It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.
Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.
When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.
I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied 