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Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit. 
Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.
Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?
Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.
Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.
If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.
Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...
It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.
Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.
When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.
I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.
Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.
I just assume that everything in a gas station bathroom is coated in a thin layer of HIV.
Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...
I have laughed more in the first 30 mins of the 2013 Oscars than all others combined!
Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one. #Happy St. Pattys Day 