Funny Status Messages

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."

   A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.

   Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.