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My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems. 
Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.
Don't you hate it when people call or text you at 5 or 6am just to ask you "whats up?"... I mean really? I am now. thank you!!.."
why does ben rothlisberger cry after sex? ... because the pepper spray hurts so much.
knew she was nuts when squirrels started looking at her funny!
..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.
has mixed his Ativan with Nyquil...and thinks he just saw Elvis making a grilled cheese in his kitchen...
Eggs Benedict should always be served in a hubcap. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*
In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer
I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”
Your mindset is everything.
You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.
People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.
I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps
I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are 