LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music from the internet.

   Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   has 2,993 people on her mind today. R.I.P the 9/11 victims x

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   BBC News: "Ice Cream Company Launches Breast Milk Flavoured Ice Cream". I wonder if they will be doing raspberry nipple.

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   wonders when a seeing eye dog for the blind has a crap,who picks it up?

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".