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If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians 
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.
There's nothing I hate worse than coming home drunk, needing to piss really bad and.... finding the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes.
I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun
I'm going back to Mexico soon and my friends are telling me to not drink they water. Like I'm really going to drink anything but beer and liquor anyway. The don't know me at all.
"Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs
SuperGlue and NonStick Pan.... One of you is lying...
Watching a Travel Channel show on ghosts. I don't buy the Massachusetts ghost in the red flannel shirt. Thats a meth addict, not a ghost.
Everytime I go to the pet store I feel compelled to ask the store clerk "where are all the b!tches at?"
informed that I had offended some people with my statueses. Solution: I deleted them
I swear to god some people you meet make you think "why didn't their parents use a condom?"
Cancel my subscription! I am tired of your Issues....
I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.
If you are going to hate on me for no apparent reason I am going to make it my business to find and give you a reason to hate me.
I think I'll dump my coffee on my head...it'll work faster.
Ladies: Sometimes it's the mind games you play, that drive him into the arms of another woman.
The pain your heart feels when you have your mind set on a shoe and they tell you "We don't have your size"
hey black guys. When you cover yourself in tatoos, you just look blacker...
waiting on the kool-aid guy to burst through my wall! 