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I get it fireworks, people set me off too. 
" You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."
Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.
Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.
Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.
The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!
[first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}
Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.
David Hasselhoff's illegitimate child
like Houdini . . . uses a lot of trap doors in his acts, but I think i'm just going through a stage.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
Doesn't have a drinking problem, he drinks he, gets drunk, he falls down, no probablem....
Other than changing your email to something other than jizzbucket4u@gmail.com, I'd say your resume looks pretty good.
My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.
When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.
Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.
1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. 4) watch what happens. 