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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight. 
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....
Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.
You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".
it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?
I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."
So now since Mr. Laden is no longer with us does this mean gas prices are going down ?
New report: JSOC actually used Usama's iPhone 4 to track him.
I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.
Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...
With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?
One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...
Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.
Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.
walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.
I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.
just stopped paying on a storage unit I filled with empty boxes marked electronics and grandmas jewelry...come n get it storage wars
If I worked at a restaurent on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in ever girl's drink !
There's a special place in Hell reserved for people who use hashtags on their Facebook statuses. 