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I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room. 
The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated
The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!
Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.
Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss
A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.
Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.
If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?
American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.
UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..
DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%
Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go
"You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.
I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.
North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.
My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.
I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.
Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing 