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The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie. 
I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.
I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....
Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.
Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?
A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.
*Slices up lemons right in front of life*
Cargo pants for babies?!?! You know, it's a place to put all the important stuff that babies carry with them.
A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
"Heck .... If we return EVERYTHING to it's original State ..... Then NOTHING .... Shall ever Improve" ......( future man )
Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.
In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....
Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.
Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.
It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.
..... LOVE comes Naturally ........ HATE .... is learned .....
We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My Dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Pokemon Go mesmerizing people into going outside is like the plot to a Steven King novel.
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people write on walls and worship cats. 