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I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks đ 
Male pattern baldness is Godâs way of saying grown men shouldnât have bangs.
She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."
What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.
I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows
Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.
Last night my wife said to me, âWhat would you do without me?â Apparently, âYour best friendâ was the wrong answer.
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when youâre not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?
I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO
You know you're getting old when kids table now contains alcohol.
Facebook became unpopular with teens the same day it became popular with their parents and grandparents.
Father inlaw: A priest who is also a lawyer.
Pour a drink while you pore over the poor grammar.
my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why
Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals! 