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In a world full of coronavirus I wanna be your sanitizer 
With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened.
If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.
Coworker: Good morning!
Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.
[on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any
Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!
Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom
I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing
You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department
If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.
Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve 