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Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it. 
Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.
"Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."
Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.
I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....
I'm going to eat a chocolate bar today in memory of Gene Wilder. And tomorrow. And the next day. I actually have been doing this for weeks.
All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.
Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.
Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”
So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.
Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.
Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.
Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!
My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.
Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach offer unwanted advice in related Facebook groups all day.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the board game "Monopoly."
Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny
A true beer drinker never look at his beer as Half Empty .... He looks at it as Half way to his Next Beer ...
In the movies everybody laughs when somebody says "You can trust me ... I'm from the Government!" HAHAHAHA ..... But come election time ..... We all seem to have collective brainwashed amnesia and dutifully vote for the biggest Government Con-Person.
Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag." 