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.... If the wrong toy is inside of it .... Is it still called a Happy Meal? 
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When I was your age my Dad got you lost, not Siri.
Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
I don't want to live in a world where HBO forces Sesame Street to cut Bob, Gordon and Luis but renews Ballers indefinitely.
Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....
Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.
A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.
At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.
Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?
My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.
I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.
Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.
I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.
Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.
I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free. 