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Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing 
Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?
If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.
Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...
Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.
How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day
Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist
I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes
I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!
Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.
Happy Confused Camel Day!!
"It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.
I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.
I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't
they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
You can never go wrong with medieval technology.
It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...
Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her 