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My wedding will be open casket. 
I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.
I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...
Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.
My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.
A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.
Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...
If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?
I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.
Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".
I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver
I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My anger management class pisses me off 