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If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 
Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"
So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.
Now I know where the YouTube commenters hang out when they're waiting for the new Nickelback video debut.
Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......
When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky
Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?
American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.
UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..
DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%
Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go
"You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.
I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.
North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.
My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.
I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check. 