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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho. 
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My current wife doesn't like when I call her that
Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.
Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.
If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
[Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[At work] What can I do to pass the time?
If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.
One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.
[first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
turning my gender off to conserve energy 