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I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance. 
Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week
Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go
A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.
If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.
If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.
My dad used to always tell me that ..... "A little work never hurt anybody!" ... I really took his advice seriously. So I try to do as little work as possible.
All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.
All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...
...... .♫♪♫..... it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas... ♫♪♫
....... HA ... The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 12 more times before then.
Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.
I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".
The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies. 