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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020. 
I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.
There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.
Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.
They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.
I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.
A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.
A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.
Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."
When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills
If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me. 