Funny Status Messages

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update