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The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!! 
It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it
I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.
Every so often I'll start dating again, just so I can take a break from ruining my own life to focus on ruining someone else's.
Linguists say we're at risk of losing hundreds of indigenous languages and also the word “dang”.
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pu$$y when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
You look just like Natalie Portman, only without the good looks.
I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and shear lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time.
Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.
Programmed a random destination into my GPS this morning, and just drove all around today making her recalculate my route. I suspect vulgarity soon, or she'll just stop talking to me.
It's rained all week. I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.
Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.
They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.
I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.
A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.
A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.
Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."
When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills 