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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!! 
I'm just not that into you.....when I'm sober.
once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.
When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.
Feds are indicting Clemens for perjury, said they knew he was on steriods when they saw his nose grow
Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.
will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.
just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.
That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.
Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.
likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).
OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.
Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.
The cool little wooshy thing the cards do at the end always makes the hours I spend trying to win Solitare on the computer well worth it.
The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.
Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.
Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.
You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap. 