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My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can 
busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
pushed his luck so much so it fell of the cliff.... now only hard work remains!!!
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
You guys are so confusing - You tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ~"
credits Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.
ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?
There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!
"You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.
I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.
Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!
Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.
Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!
She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.
Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
whenever I see a guy that looks better then me, I immediately get intimadated that he's gonna take all the girls from me, but later I find out there not into girls. so, it all works out." 