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Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices. 
Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off
The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.
My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.
I could breathe fire but I don't want to waste alcohol.
Baby, I will give you complete attention and totally listen to you about your day, as long as you're completely naked.
No one cares about your gas prices but you, California; you aren't a swing state…
I'm beginning to think this "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the whole intercourse part.
Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.
Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.
I think interrogations of mass murderers, serial killers and terrorists should be broadcasted live on tv.
If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't b*tch if a sh*tstorm is always blowing through your life.
Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
If you want to remove wrinkles, pimples, face marks & the 7 signs of skin-aging, try 'Adobe Photoshop'!
Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids
I just got friend requested from a guy I know is dead... what do you wanna bet he voted today too...
I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.
This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!
Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they're enjoying it…
Well, tomorrows the day I get my job as a waiter again so I can slip fake engagement rings in every woman's drink just to watch the horror on all the guys faces. 