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I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people... 
He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.
O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze
Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.
so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."
Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.
Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
" If we build it, They Won't Come." ............. Border Wall
It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.
For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.
"America Online founder Steve Case actually endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. However, I Bet the last thing Hillary Clinton wants to hear right now is ........ "You've got mail."
Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.
I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it. 