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Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses" 
ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.
I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.
In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.
The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"
Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.
Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.
I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!
Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison
Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras
Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.
Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....
Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.
This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.
I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?
It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.
The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong
The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.
Procrastination is a dish best served some other time. 