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Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much! 
Ever notice how banks and credit cards want you to go paperless to save a tree? Since I need those documents for my records I have to print them at home. So I'm using my paper instead of theirs. No trees are saved and I get screwed. Yay!
At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.
You'll lose a lot of money, chasing women. But you'll never lose women, chasing money.
Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."
I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.
I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.
REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.
cant wait till the kids get older so I dont have to bring in the groceries
the kinda guy your mother warned you about. Warned you not to let get away because a good man is hard to find.
Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"
I have discovered that after a huge argument makeup sex isn't all that great if the argument was with yourself.
Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............
Best part of the Oscars was The Good Morning America commercial where Charlie Sheen says "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!"
If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.
I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.
The test of Love is not how long it survives, but how it renews itself with each passing day.
A bird in the hand~~~is the best way to eat chicken.
"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm." -- George Orwell, via the US Navy SEALS
When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack. 