Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.