Mick F Funny Status Messages

   ...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

   I don't friend request someone just because they have a pretty face. I friend request them if they have a pretty face and big t*ts.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.

   I can't sleep. There's nothing on TV except the Home Shopping Club, so I called 'em. They answer, "Home Shopping Club!" I said, "Hi." They said, "Can we help you?" I go, "Nah, I'm just looking."

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   Some people have the emotional depth of rainfall collected in a thimble at the Sahara Desert.

   I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Don't you hate sitting in a chair after someone gets up and it feels like their a$$ must've been under a broiler?

   My dog ate a whole bottle of Tums. I freaked! I called the Vet and asked him what I should do. He said to take him out for Mexican.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.