MBH Funny Status Messages

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them realize they had this talent.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   If you're really curious whether or not you're ugly, just tell a co-worker of the opposite sex that their ass looks really hot when they wear those pants. If he/she reports you for sexual harassment, there's your answser.

   I never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   You know it's too early when you try to put the cereal box in the refrigerator.

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.