Jbabcock Funny Status Messages

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   Cesar Millan is amazing as The Dog Whisperer but I'm not gonna be really impressed until a show called "Rebellious Teenager Whisperer" comes out.

   When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".

   I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"

   Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.

   Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.

   I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.

   You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.

   Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.

   Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.

   I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.

   The Kardashian Sisters would make great Vampires. They all have that dark exotic look, they're talented suckers, and live the night life well. The only thing they couldn't handle about Vampirism is not being able look at themselves in a mirror any more.

   People always say to me "Oh your a Male Nurse". My professions the ONLY one with a need to identify gender. Ya never hear "A Male Mailman handles my Mail". How would a Cop react if after pulling you over said smiling "Ooooh a MALE policeman!"

   Don't sweat it when an Anonomous Cyber Bully says something insulting or points out your blunders online. Fact is that most of us could eat a can of Alphabet Soup and sh!t better responses than their posts which is what they hide from in the 1st place.

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.