Gman Funny Status Messages

   In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   I don't need no fancy pants book learnin' to know that xenophobia is the fear of warrior princesses.

   "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton?

   Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

   I'm dragging ass today. I don't know how dogs wipe like this, it hurts like hell.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

   I only make a lot of spelling and grammar errors because I have type-o blood.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

   A fool and his money are soon dating women way too good looking for him.