BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.

   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."