eengrms Funny Status Messages

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler..."

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.