Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.

   You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.

   I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.

   South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.

   Canada: Compared to the USA, it's the North American equivalent to the kids' table at a holiday dinner.

   Remember the protests back in 2011 when Obama stopped the Iraqi refugees from entering the States for six months? Neither do I.

   What bothers me most about liberal women, is that none of them are hot enough to be this stupid.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   I lost my virginity when I was 15. It was smokin' hot until I bit her thigh and all the air leaked out.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   n't the bigger question: How many people attended the Hillary Inauguration?

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   I'd be all for the Women's March protest if they added, "off a cliff" to the name of the event.

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.