- My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...
Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.
--- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......
- I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........