SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   People at work always ask me, Sean- how can you stand to sit so close to that space heater, you have to be burning up- I tell them I was married once and enjoyed the time I spent in Hell

   It's easier to wear the buckle than it is to ride the bull, I have no fear about slapping my girl on the ass and calling her by the wrong name just to see how long I can hang on. Gota love rodeo sex!

   Man that Bears loss hurt me more than my divorce

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again

   Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard

   Things not to say life lesson 586: Asking your wifes attorney " If your here then who's running hell?" Is not so much a good idea

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   If you went to High School with your girlfriend's grandfather, you might be a Hugh Heffner.

   Today is national VD awareness day, please wish all of your single friends a warm and happy VD.

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can