Jake Funny Status Messages

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.