Jake Funny Status Messages

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.