Jake Funny Status Messages

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.