Jake Funny Status Messages

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.