Jake Funny Status Messages

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)