Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   Hey Hillary! Are there any remaining campaign funds to make a trip to a microphone and ask your supporters to chill out?

   Black Olives Matter

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.